| Only a Daniel Gawthrop song would make me think...
I'm scared of becoming like Brian.
I'm scared of everyone believing that I'm like him...
I DO care about other things besides music.
I care about people's feelings over my own.
I don't WANT to be considered a selfish, overly pompous bitch!
I don't want music to define me.
I don't want people to think it's my ENTIRE life.
I have other goals! Other dreams!
Yes, a lot of them do pertain to music. Yes, I want to be the best I can be at my music.
But I care about people too! Making them happy. Making friends. Being in love!
Which is why I want to be a music EDUCATOR and not simply a professional musician.
I care about people!
Things with Brian are getting better.
But that's only because the stress of the last couple months is over.
And I haven't been able to see him for a few days.
If he can't deal with me when times are hard...there's no hope.
Monday/Tuesday will be the day.
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Happy birthday.
I hope it's your best yet.
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| that I'm at least doing one thing right.
Fourth chair in the county was much better than I was expecting to do.
I was just hoping to MAKE the thing.
I even asked my band director if there was a mistake.
But there wasn't. :]
The official list came out tonight. I'm so excited. :]
Band AND orchestra.
Which means I'll be in every group for the county's concert.
If I make district's, I will be EXTREMELY happy.
I feel bad talking to people about it, because they probably think I'm conceited or something.
But honestly, I'm just so happy. I can't even believe it.
I've never made ANYTHING before, and now, this year, I've made RSYO, County Chorus, County Band, and County Orchestra.
It's just weird for me.
And to people like Brian, it's nothing.
He makes like. Every single ensemble he auditions for.
Which is cool.
I really hope I make district band. :X
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| If he ends up with her, I won't be sad.
Or, more accurately, I won't let on that I'm sad.
In fact, in some ways, I kind of want him to.
He should be happy. And he couldn't find a nicer girl.
I mean, at least it's not some slut/whore/bitch.
So. I could deal with that.
I would consider it my punishment. Karma working it's inevitable magic.
In fact, I don't really deserve to have romantic love.
Not really. Perhaps eventually, but certainly not right now.
I deserve exactly what I have; it's what I wished for countless times.
I knew the stakes, but still blindly wanted, loved, desired.
I've learned not to wish. I've learned to just let what happen, happen.
Understand that I am not sorrowful in writing this...simply accepting.
I still love my life. Though I know it can be better, I enjoy every simple thing.
I'm still happy. I'm just acknowledging I made a horrible mistake.
Though I'm not TOTALLY okay with this fate, I understand that the world balances itself. In Waiting for the Godot, pretty much the only meaningful quote in the play: "The tears of the world are a constant quantity. For each one who begins to weep somewhere else another stops. The same is true of the laugh. Let us not then speak ill of our generation, it is not any unhappier than its predecessors. Let us not speak well of it either. Let us not speak of it at all. It is true the population has increased."
That being said, I don't WANT a new relationship.
I can't really even picture love existing for me right now.
Like, I know it exists, and I like hearing about it, but it's just not for me, you know?
I just want friends.
It's okay. I'm okay.
I'm just ready to move on.
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| Though I really have no right to be worried.
What if Joe likes her?
I hate myself right now, I won't lie.
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