| | but as long as he's riding shotgun, I think I'll be okay.
A brain dump for the overthinking.
Ohwowman.
I'm feeling so alone lately.
I feel like I'm so very happy, but I have no one with which to share it.
Well, except for Brian of course. And I feel at peace with everything with him.
Idk. I think I always tend to focus my life on one negative at a time.
For a really long time, it was that whole boy situation...but now it's my friends.
They think they're right, and I think I'm right.
I've tried conceding to them, but you'd think I was a welcome mat, the way they'd walk all over me.
My heart is...interesting. When it feels that it's right, there's no such thing as compromise.
It was that way for Brian. And it's like that now.
I don't see what I did wrong, but what I do see is that I miss my friends.
"Friends", maybe even by this point.
I mean, I know I've changed. But could they POSSIBLY have changed anymore themselves?
It's rather discouraging, to tell the truth.
But I'm still trying, and I still see hope.
It's all a matter of getting there.
And seriously, EVERYTHING else in my life is great.
Band is one of the only times [when I'm not with Brian anyway] that I feel completely whole and myself. I love those people and that activity so much, and I just want to convey it in any way I can. I feel like I can make a difference there. I feel that becoming a drum major was one of the best things to ever happen to me.
I'm making EXTREME progress on the flute. Two hours of practice a day really pays off, eh? Oh yeah, and if you're sitting there complaining you're not good at your instrument...seriously...just PRACTICE!! A musical instrument, just like any sport, requires practice and consistency. You can't be lazy about it.
And I have some really great friends who stuck around. And I love them to death.
I risked it all and gained double, and that's amazing. I'm extremely lucky.
But there are no happily ever afters in life.
I still have to work to be happy. If I want something, I'm going to have to reach out for it.
If I want my old friends back, I'm going to need to reach out to them.
Sure, they may reject me, but no one can say I didn't try.
Something I'm learning is that I need to put my all in everything I do, and not be afraid of failing.
Because usually when I put my all into something...I succeed past what anyone could have possibly hoped.
I'm also learning that you can't give someone advice if they don't want it.
Sometimes reason isn't a good enough explanation, and cold hard fact just won't do it.
Some people need to learn for themselves.
And that's why I'm done trying to prove myself right, or trying to teach people outright.
They'll make their mistakes. They'll learn.
I just need to trust that they will.
That could be my problem as well. I've developed major trust issues.
I need to learn to trust people to take care of themselves, as well as me.
I need to give them my all, even when it's not 100% safe.
"The sun is on my side
Takes me for a ride
I smile up to the sky
I know I'll be alright."
-- "Pocketful of Sunshine" Natasha Bedingfield
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| | Posted 7/7/2009 12:21 AM - 6 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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