poprocks_andxcoke's Xanga

So.

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 03:27:17 GMT

Brian's being unnaturally awesome.

I won't keep my hopes up.

<3

Quotes Entry?!

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 23:57:39 GMT

And though love is a drunk,
sleeping off its hangover in the gutters between the years,
you need to smile at the bitch anyway.

Love is needing someone.
Love is putting up with someone’s bad qualities
because they somehow complete you.

And it’s not “clever lonely” (like Morrissey)
or “interesting Lonely” (like Radiohead);
it’s “lonely, lonely,”
like the way it feels when you’re being hugged by someone
and it somehow makes you sadder.

I must learn to love the fool in me
the one who feels too much, talks too much,
takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often,
lacks self-control, loves and hates,
hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises,
laughs and cries.

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now
And maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday.

If I have learned anything in life,
it is that sometimes things get in your path
and you have a choice:
you can either smash right into them,
or you can adjust and move around,
but you have to do one or the other in order to move forward.
-Gossip Girl

When you've finally found someone good,
don't go looking for someone better.

^Things I learned too late #1.

For lack of better words to say,
all I said was goodnight.
Once again. In self defense I won’t sleep a wink,
to prevent dreaming of you.

No sir, well, I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore. It's your turn, so take a seat, we're settling the final score. & why do we like to hurt so much? I can't decide. You have made it harder just to go on & why, all the possibilities where I was wrong.
( That's What You Get ; Paramore )

I guess I should say thank you,
for cutting all my strings.
But if it's all the same to you,
I wish you'd left my wings.

It's funny, I can't tell you how many times I spent wondering when
I was gonna hear you say that again. Just hoping that the next time
the phone would ring, it'd be you calling to say those words.
And now you're here and I can't even remember why I needed to
hear them. You should recognize this next move,
you perfected it, it's called turning my back and leaving you behind.
- One Tree Hill

Because in love, there's no such thing as halfway.
^Hell yeah.

And when I tell you I love you I mean that you can make my heart ache in places deep inside of myself, and at the same time make it sing more beautifully than can be described. I mean that you can give me life or take it away from me. You are my complete happiness and my misery.

You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering, that's the sad truth. Maybe they'll break your heart, maybe you'll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself the same way. Those are risks. That's the burden. Like wings,  they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens which allow us to fly. 
-Bones

I have a favour to ask, I'm hoping it's not too much. After all, you said you'd always be there for me, so, here it goes: Don't like her. Don't pick her. Don't be with her. Anyone but her. It hurts me too much. & if I could possibly fit one more thing in there if it is okay with you, maybe, just maybe, do you think you could fall for me?
( My Best Friend's Wedding )

i bet you've had a hard time walking into a room full of people on your own, right? yeah, i know that. i know what it is not to feel like you're in the room until he looks at you or touches your hand or even makes a joke at your expense, just to let everyone know you're with him. you're his.  
(c) p.s. i love you

Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart.
 -The Notebook

The plan was to let me down gently. I know the game was to call it temporary. Boy, be careful what you wish for 'cause you might get that & so much more. I won't shed a tear if you don't want me. Boy, I'll give you space in the closet where my clothes should be, in that empty bed without me. Now I'm walking out the front door; you got exactly what you asked for. Space in your phone where it said my name, where I took my picture out your frame. & I won't be around when you figure out you got exactly what you asked for.
( Space ; Melody Thornton )

We are the champions, my friends. <3

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:29:33 GMT

Hell yeah.

My heart was beating out of my chest.
And when they announced second place was SF...I was so very happy.
I don't think I've ever been that excited in my life...except maybe after being named drum major.
Atlantic Coast Champions...
Seeing the looks on all their faces...
It was all worth it.
Every sacrifice, all the crap I took...it was all for them.
I've never been so proud of anyone in my life...or loved anyone more...than them.

And, sometimes, I feel loved too. :]
Sometimes, I feel like I might be missed.
Sometimes, I feel like I might be remembered.
And I feel like I might've impacted at least one person's life. Maybe?
And for that...I love them even more.

I love the motley crue of friends I know I have.
Even though they're from totally different ends of the spectrum...and we probably all would never be able to hang out together.
The number of friends I believe I have fluctuates with my mood.
Perhaps it will become more clear after the breakup.
Whatever way, I'm excited for my future.
<3

Eep.

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 19:57:21 GMT

The lightning hasn't stricken me down yet, though I know the day will come.

Brian is a jerk. But what else is new?
I seriously need to move on...

Since I can't think of a good name for that other guy I always talk about...I suppose I can just call him other guy...OG (or OPERA GHOST lolololol. <3)

OG always hangs around this one girl. Or maybe it's vice versa. He certainly doesn't act like he acted around me, so it could very well be vice versa. And the fact that that girl barely forces a smile when she sees me anymore...when we used to get along quite well...makes me think that maybe something's going on there.
But I don't WANT something to be going on there. I have no right to, but I really DON'T.

We have been talking a little more, OG and me, but not consistently.
There are times when he has that old look in his eye...and the voice that I never hear him use, even with his new friends.
Even with that girl.

Though, there are also times when he looks at me like a deer in headlights...
So idk.

Being realistic, I think I have a .01%.
Woo.

Could I be any more horrible of a person?

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 03:16:47 GMT

Like. Seriously.

How has a bolt of lightning from the heavens NOT struck me down yet?

It's there on her mind as she closes her eyes...

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 17:44:19 GMT

//"Kylie From Connecticut"--Ben Folds
That song reminds me of a future me if I keep going in the direction I'm going. It kind of reminds me that I can't settle.

I wish I could play the piano. It's my favorite instrument, but I am quite mediocre at playing it.

Yesterday was awesome. Band was actually pretty awesome. It has been for a week. I think something clicked in me that hasn't all season. I suddenly became passionate about it again! It was a wonderful feeling. I talked to the band, though I don't know if that was a fail or not. We had a pretty good performance, despite the field being a swamp. And a 94.65 is definitely the score we got at ACCs last year.

But my favorite moment of the day was when I had a conversation with him.
It was exactly as it used to be. I was pleasantly surprised.
And he walked away...and I still was happy. Even though he walked away. I still had a smile on my face.
I felt like dancing. I might've even done so...had Brian not been walking over to sit down beside me.
The look on his face disapproved immensely.
Maybe I should stay with him. I mean, he cares about me in his own way. Even though it's not really the way I want to be cared for.
I shouldn't really be picky. I mean, he still loves me, right? Who cares if it's less than what I feel for him? Who cares if he sees no future, and is just here for the now, and treats me as such?

Oh yeah. Me.

Oh well. Just shows how much I win at relationships.

But now he's actually kind of trying. If I leave now, I'll be discouraging the trying, which will screw over other relationships he has.
At this point, I feel like he needs me more than I need him. Though I'm pretty sure he believes it's the other way around. Typical.

I want Brian to be happy. I want him to learn. I want to teach him how to care for someone.
But how do you teach someone that? Shouldn't it be innate?

It certainly was for him. I even questioned him on it. "How do you know exactly what to do?" He always just shrugged, not comprehending how awesome he really was.

This...this is the opposite.

I'm going to stop now.

Good day today.

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 19:27:34 GMT

I'm not scared of being without my boyfriend anymore.
I mean, it's not like I really had anyone in the first place...

The talk came early to him [not my boyfriend].
I just felt the need. I felt empowered.
Of course it didn't really go well. He didn't really talk back.

I didn't really expect him to.

I mean, what was the best case scenario?
Me: Hey, yeah...I definitely messed up.
Him: omgshreally?!! I love you!!

Yeahno.
And the fact that there is no visible change doesn't really help.
It's all happening inside me.
Until two weeks from now.
Hellyeah.
Let me just tell you how excited I am...
really excited! :]

My horoscope tends to be accurate.

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 19:15:27 GMT

I get it from my phone. It congratulated me the day I got into county's (and the day I got into district's...oh wait, that didn't happen. =\) and it seems to read my emotions well.
Today:
"This is an ideal moment to address once and for all the questions that have been on your mind for the past three weeks. Pay particular attention to questions that touch on your sentimental life. If you are currently involved in unsatisfactory relationships, don't be afraid to leave them behind. And if you're fretting about a request you made that has yet to be answered, let it go. No response is forthcoming."

Yup. That's me.
1) Twelve thousand questions have been on my mind for about three weeks. I have no idea how to address them.
2) It's not the right time to leave that relationship behind.
3) I know I'm not getting a response. Which ties into the second one.

I'm taking that as a sign.
Signs were always pointing away from him, but I never chose to accept them.
Now I am. And I'm not really saying they're pointing towards anyone. Because I really don't think I have a chance with that certain someone.
I mean, sometimes I do. But then sometimes I don't.
I just want to be friends first.

I feel like everyone around me has some big lesson to learn.
Like they really need to grow up.
I feel like I'm middle aged or something.
I'm tired of this relationship that's going no where. Of just waiting for someone to care about something other than himself. Of waiting for him to just understand what being there for someone really means.
I feel like I've been stuck into his shoes. He was always trying to tell me, warn me of things. He was always so wise and levelheaded.
Now I see every mistake I've made, every lie I so naively believed, every friend I misplaced trust in.
I suppose I'm a better person, but honestly, I'm just so done with high school.
And it's only October.

We weren't born to follow.

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 20:22:27 GMT

Feeling good. Empowered.

I had a dream with him in it.
It made me feel better.

It's weird how he can give me comfort, even when we're not talking.

Wow. I talk like he's dead.

There's a good chance he's not even who I remember him as anymore.
But I'm not going to let myself believe that.
Because the sooner I believe that, the sooner I accept I'm alone.
And I can't do that. Not yet.

Everything I see gives me hope.
I refuse to lose hope.

Soon, I will stop wasting my time and accept my fate.

It's all a matter of when.

This is one of those times I wish I had a real friend. =\

Oh look at me...

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 23:02:54 GMT

just going along with the crowd. ;P
Oh well. I love this song. And it's been stuck in my head all week.
Enjoy.

Fireflies - Owl City

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep

'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance

A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell

But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams. <3